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Once upon a time, in a land far away from these United Arab Emirates, we too were lost beardsmen. We would rummage around in the forests with our messy beards looking very angrily at trees and grunt at them. We would get yelled at by our significant others to shave...lest we look unkept. Our fathers would look down at our beardedness and frown, saying things like 'you know in my day...' Et cetera, et cetera oh bearded brothers.
But that was long before the ancient recipes of awesomeness came to be discovered. By us, in an ancient crate bobbing deftly upon the face of the sea. We hoisted it out of the water. We tried for years to open it, but we couldn't. We weren't ready. When we were, it opened itself. It revealed its secrets.
How come Hercules had a beard and it was lit but if I have a beard my girl beef with me? These are the kinds of questions we used to ask. But not anymore.
Hannibal Barca, Thor Odinson, Zeus (no last name I guess), these were all lords of ancient folklore who had epic beards. The following is the closest known human approximation of how they did just that:
They say charity starts at home. Well so do wrath, fury and victory. To be the master of your domain you must first be the master of your beard. Follow the tips above and you will never know a bad beard day again. It will beam in the light of the setting sun as you exude the spiritual might of a Carthaginian Prince.
Know not mediocrity, nor complaints from your lady friend/wife about your beard.
Know not coarseness nor beard-druff nor irritation.
Know that you can backhand slap a shaven man and call him Sally, while his lady calls you daddy.
Know only the fortitude of your beard and the conquest of the seas, the lands and the stars.