Once upon a time, in a land far away from these United Arab Emirates, we too were lost beardsmen. We would rummage around in the forests with our messy beards looking very angrily at trees and grunt at them. We would get yelled at by our significant others to shave...lest we look unkept. Our fathers would look down at our beardedness and frown, saying things like 'you know in my day...' Et cetera, et cetera oh bearded brothers.

But that was long before the ancient recipes of awesomeness came to be discovered. By us, in an ancient crate bobbing deftly upon the face of the sea. We hoisted it out of the water. We tried for years to open it, but we couldn't. We weren't ready. When we were, it opened itself. It revealed its secrets.

How come Hercules had a beard and it was lit but if I have a beard my girl beef with me? These are the kinds of questions we used to ask. But not anymore.

Hannibal Barca, Thor Odinson, Zeus (no last name I guess), these were all lords of ancient folklore who had epic beards. The following is the closest known human approximation of how they did just that:

  1. Know that your face hair is totally different to your head hair: I know this seems pretty obvious, but there's more to it than you might know. Sebum oil is a natural oil produced by glands in the skin, which acts like a vitamin to nourish your hair and keep it healthy. Your scalp produces a hell of a lot more of it than your face, so while your head hair needs de-oiling, your face does not, on the contrary, it needs more oiling. High absorption oils like Jojoba and Sweet Almond act as great substitutes for sebum oil. You need them to stop your beard from getting dry, itchy and coarse.
  2. The skin and the hair are forever intertwined: This is true. Taking care of the skin beneath your beard is just as important as the beard itself. That's why beard oil application should start at stubble stage, it'll help stop irritation when shaving (or shaping), get the hair healthier earlier and punch dandruff in the face. If you've already got a medium sized beard, use a comb or a brush to get that beard oil through every strand and down to the skin beneath.
  3. Wage war upon the unruly: Sometimes you get those beard and/or moustache hairs that just grow funny. These ingrates need to be shown the meaning of the word discipline. Get yourself a short snout scissors (so it's easier to manipulate for beard hair) and don't be scared to clip them back into order.

They say charity starts at home. Well so do wrath, fury and victory. To be the master of your domain you must first be the master of your beard. Follow the tips above and you will never know a bad beard day again. It will beam in the light of the setting sun as you exude the spiritual might of a Carthaginian Prince.

Know not mediocrity, nor complaints from your lady friend/wife about your beard.

Know not coarseness nor beard-druff nor irritation.

Know that you can backhand slap a shaven man and call him Sally, while his lady calls you daddy.

Know only the fortitude of your beard and the conquest of the seas, the lands and the stars.

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