Let's talk about the elephant in the room: Jojoba Oil.

To beard is to risk. This is a fact. You risk the trappings of looking untidy. You risk the trappings of getting hummus in your moustache. But more frightening is the risk of phone grease. That's right. Phone grease.

That's when your loose beard oil greases up your phone when you answer it. Nobody wants this. It's sad. That's the ultimate test of a beard oil. Does it phone grease? It shouldn't. You deserve better.

How did we avoid that? Jojoba oil. Easy. It's no secret. This is not some hidden technology that we've uncovered from the ancient scriptures. Everyone knows about it.

• It moisturizes skin
• It absorbs magnificently
• It contains vitamin E which thickens hair
• It fights dandruff
• It softens and detangles hair

This makes it the perfect base of a beard oil. So next time you go beard oil shopping, steer clear of that castor oil, that argan oil and those synthetic oils.

Read the ingredients. If it's got Jojoba oil in it, it's a safe bet. That or, you know, you could just shop here.